I was driving down the road alone in my car. I felt like I was going to explode. I was so sick of my voice being silenced or ignored in my home, my relationships, and my life in general.

I watched as a semi-truck rounded the corner heading my way. I considered veering into its path head-on…maybe it would end my pain. Instead, I gulped in a giant breath of air and screamed at the top of my lungs as the suffocating weight of feeling voiceless evaporated into the silence of the car. 

I had been through a fair amount of hardships in my life, and from a young age, I’d felt like my voice didn’t matter. At age 15, I was coerced into a sexually abusive relationship with an older man. No matter how much I protested, my voice was ignored.

Therefore, I learned that my voice didn’t matter, and I silenced it for several years. 

I had finally found my voice...

But only after a year and a half of being silenced. Things that are emotionally damaging, traumatic, or repeated create pathways of beliefs in your brain that run deep, and your mind constantly looks for proof of what it believes.

So my mind went looking for proof that I didn’t have a voice and had no value or worth, blocking out everything that said otherwise, no matter how obvious it was. And it found proof everywhere.

What followed was nearly two decades of pain and cycles of trying to numb the hurt in unhealthy ways, which inevitably created more pain. I didn’t yet know how to consistently honor myself by maintaining healthy boundaries.

Whenever I experienced hard things, rather than face them with strength and power, I avoided and ran away from them.

“You Deserve Respect and Kindness”

After turning in my abuser, at age sixteen I became pregnant. In that relationship, I found again that my voice was dismissed. The father of my child consistently said things that upset me and lowered my self-esteem, but refused to honor my requests to stop. He would tell me that it’s just the way guys talk.  

Eventually, I got fed up and left the relationship. Over the next several years, when my requests continued to be ignored in any tough situation, my ultimate boundary would be to flee or sever the relationship.

A couple years after that I started dating an abusive narcissist. To be honest, I hadn’t even heard the word “narcissist” at the time, let alone any of the warning signs to look for. I didn’t learn about narcissism until after I’d left the relationship, which is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about educating women about it now.

This man was physically, emotionally, verbally, financially, and sexually abusive. He started small so I didn’t see it coming, but eventually broke me down until I thought I couldn’t make it on my own. He used gaslighting to manipulate me (if you don’t know what that means, please ask me or search the term!), and stalked me for almost two years after I left.

One night he drank an excessive amount of alcohol and turned on me, pinning me against the wall, and strangling me. This repeated for what seemed like hours until he held a knife to my throat, threatening to kill me. I believe it’s by God’s intervention that I made it out alive. I found out later that he’d hidden my keys and phone in case I tried to get help.

Years later, I would work through that night in EMDR therapy. The feeling of being completely powerless, voiceless, and worthless surfaced repeatedly until I started working with a coach who helped me find my voice, power, and worth again.

Throughout the entire six-year relationship, I had tried again and again in vain to use my voice. It wasn’t listened to. Eventually, I found the strength to enforce the ultimate boundary, and I fled.

My abuser then stalked for the next two years. Again I drew from my inner power, spoke up in court, and obtained a protective order. But although I was using my voice and found my power in bits and pieces, I was still a weak, insecure, people-pleasing victim.

After I finally left my abuser, I met a wonderful man, who helped show me what love really is. Happy ending, right? WRONG. See, I hadn’t learned how to enforce boundaries yet. And here’s the thing about boundaries. Until you learn how to set AND enforce them, your self-esteem, confidence, self-worth, value…whatever you want to call it…will be low.

SETTING BOUNDARIES RAISES SELF CONFIDENCE!

My husband, dealing with his own set of issues, started saying and doing things that triggered and retraumatized me. No matter how many times I tried to tell him, he wasn’t hearing me. For years I tried in vain to get him to respect my requests.

Until one day I found myself driving down the road screaming at the top of my lungs, and I broke. I’d had enough. But instead of breaking DOWN, I broke FREE. I went home and enforced the boundary I’d been trying to set. When he crossed my boundary again, I asked him to leave the house.

I’d made my decision based on his actions. And after that, he had a choice to make based on my decision.

Every person has a choice to make when someone implements boundaries:

Will they respect them? Or will they continue to cross them?

• My teenage abuser had continued to cross them, so I’d gone to the police.
• My son’s father had continued to overstep them, so I’d severed the relationship.
• My abuser had continued to ignore them, so I’d ultimately fled and obtained a stalking order.
• And now…my husband would decide if he’d disregard my requests like the others, or honor them.

This time my boundaries were honored. My husband was able to see that the problems were great enough for me to take big action.

He then chose to do the necessary work, and I’m thrilled to say that by the grace of God, today our marriage is stronger than most marriages I know ♥. 

“Your Voice Matters.”

If you can relate to feeling like your voice doesn't matter or isn't listened to, I want to remind you that your voice is important! You matter, and what you think, feel, and want matters! 

Have you ever:

• Felt like you’re powerless?
  Walked on eggshells around certain people, trying not to upset them?
• Wanted to avoid going home because of the emotional stress?
• Felt like you don’t have enough time to do all that is expected of you?
• Felt burned out and overwhelmed?
• Ignored a gut feeling because you were worried about how you’d be perceived?
• Went out of your way to avoid conflict?
• Consistently said yes to things that you really wanted to say no to?