Have you ever gone through the holiday season feeling like you were going to explode? Ever felt like screaming or running away, or boycotting the holiday season altogether because the stress is just too much to handle? Perhaps you've found yourself irritated and impatient, snapping at the ones you love.

Coach Rhea here and I get it! I've been there. 

The holidays can be a joyful, happy time. But for some, stress and pressure take the place of merry and bright. I'm going to make a bold statement and say that a large percentage of your stress this holiday season would disappear if you simply set and enforce boundaries. Keep reading if you'd like to learn how to decrease your holiday stress this year!

Many people experience more stress than enjoyment during the holidays.

I dropped a poll on my social media pages and wasn't surprised that the majority of people who responded felt a much higher percentage of stress than enjoyment during the holidays. Why is that? I believe it's due largely to people pleasing and lack of boundaries, and both my personal experience, and the data I've collected in coaching women support this idea.

Here's the cold hard truth: you can't please everyone. And if you try to, especially around the holidays when there's often more family involved in the equation, you'll lose every time.

Several years ago, before I got good at setting boundaries, I dreaded the season. Every Thanksgiving we would go spend time with my dad, and since we were in the same area as my mom, that meant seeing her as well. The relationship with my mom holds a lot of stress and toxicity.

One of the worst Thanksgivings was a few years ago. I remember desperately trying to breathe through a panic attack as the walls of the bedroom I was staying in closed in around me. I can still feel the icy coldness of the doorknob on the back of my head as I slowly sunk down to the floor reading my dad's text message. He'd said, "I invited your mom to stay for dinner."

Let me back up a little and explain. After years of trying to set boundaries with my mom, telling her when something crossed a line for me, and asking her to stop, she'd shown me that nothing was going to change. So after a lot of prayer, journaling, and seeking guidance from a few people I trusted, I'd written her a letter detailing some things that continued to hurt me and setting some firm boundaries. After that, whenever I made the 6-hour trek to visit my dad, I usually let her know that we'd be in town and offered her some time to come visit the kids at my dad's house. Generally, when she came, I'd leave the house and go for a long walk or call a friend.

This particular time, I'd had an appointment and couldn't sneak out before she showed up. So I stayed in the room for an hour and a half waiting for the time we'd agreed that she would leave at. I was already struggling with feeling like a prisoner in the room, but at that time in our relationship, it was too toxic for me to be around her. So I kept hiding away in the small claustrophobic space, knowing that as soon as she left I could comfortably exit. And then I got the text from my dad.

Here's the thing, even the people who love and support you the most will sometimes cross your boundaries. My dad knew about my relationship with my mom, and that we'd agreed upon a time for her to leave. I have no idea why he chose to ask her to stay, but when he did it crossed a boundary for me.

How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed?

One major sign that your boundaries are being crossed is if you're feeling a lot of resentment or anger towards others. Sometimes it's not super easy to see, so you have to feel. Pay attention to what your body tells you. Often it knows what your brain can't see. At the moment when my dad sent me that text, I didn't logically think "Oh, he is crossing my boundary." Instead, my chest tightened and felt like a massive weight was on it, my breath got shallow, and my throat tightened. My hands got sweaty and I started shaking.

Pay attention to symptoms like this. It's your body's way of telling you that something isn't ok. And it's okay for you to listen to that and set appropriate boundaries.

Signs your boundaries are being crossed:

• You're irritated, impatient, stressed and/or overwhelmed.
• You have feelings of resentment.
• You feel burnt out.
• You avoid other people or your responsibilities.
• You feel like you have no time for self-care.
• You find yourself trying to please everyone (where are my people pleasers at?)

Here are 10 tips to help you have a more peaceful holiday season:

1. Think carefully through decisions before saying "yes".

Are you saying yes because you want to appear a certain way, or will it truly bring joy to you or someone you care about? Do you have the time, energy, and emotional capacity? Additionally, make sure you're not making decisions based on guilt or pleasing others.

2. Know yourself and your limits.

Before holiday gatherings, think through some boundaries that would be helpful for you. It might help you to list out things that have brought you stress in the past or made you feel trapped, helpless, and suffocated. You can also think through situations that could potentially bring up those things, even if you can't remember specific examples.

3. Listen to your body.

Sometimes we can't think ahead to situations where our boundaries might be crossed. It's important to listen to your body because it can tell you things that your conscious mind might not be able to. Some signals might include:

Racing heart

Feeling claustrophobic

Shortness of breath or shallow breathing

Feeling exhausted or drained

Body temperature rises or drops

Upset or tight stomach

Wanting to scream

Feeling like you're going to explode

Sweaty hands

Tense muscles
4. Prepare.

Set aside some quiet time by yourself to think through what boundaries you need to set. Brain dump and write things out on paper. Listen to your gut. It will tell you what is most important to put your foot down on. Consider your values and long-term goals as you are deciding what to enforce.

5. Practice in advance.

Repetition helps us learn and improve, so practice setting boundaries in the privacy of your home or car ahead of time. Think of a time when someone crossed your boundaries and you allowed it, or a time you said yes but wanted to say no. Then reenact it in your mind, but this time with you enforcing a boundary. This helps you practice and feel stronger when a situation like that arises again. You can also practice ahead of time for scenarios that you can envision might happen.

When you practice, use strong, confident, empowered language. Get rid of language that is full of guilt, blame, or insecurity. Embrace the phrase "You don't have to understand it, but you do have to respect it."

6. Be direct. Remember that you don't have to explain your decisions if you don't want to.

Try using the following format when stating your boundaries:

"I feel __________ when you __________. I need / can you please __________."

7. Be firm and consistent. Do not backtrack.

When you remain consistent, it tells others that your boundary is important and needs to be respected.

8. Prepare for resistance and have a plan for consequences.

For instance, if someone continues to cross your boundary you might need to walk away or create space in the relationship, or even put an end to the relationship if it is toxic.

9. Practice lots of self-care, and don't abandon your routines just because it's the holidays.

During this time you must take care of yourself. Set some boundaries around time with yourself, and schedule in specific time for self-care. Some of my favorite ways to take care of myself include: Get outside every day. Walk barefoot. Sit by the water. Cold plunge. Hot bath. Read a good book. PUT DOWN THE PHONE. Daily exercise. Have FUN...true, authentic fun. Slow down and be present where your feet are planted. Belt out a good song.

Make your own list of self-care ideas, keep them handy, and use them often!

10. Give yourself grace.

You won't do it perfectly every time. And besides, perfection is the killer of progress. So work on slow progress rather than doing it perfectly and celebrate every small win!

Some phrases that might help:

"I would love to, but I just can't at this time."

"I'll stay until people start talking about politics."

"This year I'll spend up to $____ per child/person on gifts."

"We're going to spend Christmas on our own this year, but we'll come celebrate with you on the 28th."

"I'm not drinking this year, please don't offer me alcohol."

"I need some air, I'm going to go for a walk/drive. I'll be back in a little while."

"This year we're requesting gifts for the kids in the form of experiences & memories, not things."

"I won't be coming to town this year, but you're welcome to visit me."

"I'd like you to visit, but my house is full. I'll need you to stay in a hotel or with other family members."

"I'll stay at the party until ____, but then I need to leave. If this changes, I'll let you know."

"I need _____."

"I prefer _____."

"I'm not able to ____, but I'm happy to ____ (help with ___, provide ____ resources, refer you to ____ )"

"I'll bring my own food since I have specific dietary needs."

"Last time we got together was stressful because _____. I'd like to discuss some options to decrease "the chances of that this year."

"I need help preparing the meal/cleaning the house/planning the event/shopping for Christmas gifts for the kids."

"No." (Or "No thank you.")

I'm guessing you would much rather go through the holiday season feeling joyful, peaceful, happy, and confident. I bet you'd like to feel rested and have plenty of energy. I'm almost positive you'd like to avoid burnout, live fully into your values and beliefs, and show up as the best version of yourself to the ones you love most this holiday season. Follow the tips above and see how different the holidays can be for you this year!

You can also checkout this Week's Mindfulness on Boundaries to help you be more productive! Listen Now