Dr. Gabor Maté has spoken extensively about how self-abandonment—the ways we disconnect from our true selves to gain approval, avoid conflict, or meet expectations—can be at the root of disease, burnout, anxiety, and even chronic illness.

Self-abandonment happens when we repeatedly prioritize others over ourselves to the point where we no longer recognize our own needs, desires, or even identity. This disconnect isn’t always loud. It can be subtle—choosing guilt over self-care, seeking external validation over self-trust, or silencing emotions just to keep the peace.

Over time, these patterns don’t just affect mental and emotional well-being; they take a physical toll as well, leading to stress-related illnesses, exhaustion, and a profound sense of emptiness.

So how do you recognize self-abandonment? And more importantly, how do you begin to heal?

What Does Self-Abandonment Look Like?

Self-abandonment isn’t always obvious. Sometimes, it disguises itself as being a “good person,” a “hard worker,” or a “team player.” But when left unchecked, it erodes our ability to live authentically and with balance.

Here are some common ways self-abandonment shows up in daily life

1. People-Pleasing

• Prioritizing others’ needs, opinions, or happiness over your own to avoid rejection or conflict.
• Saying "yes" when you mean "no," fearing that setting boundaries will make you unlovable.
• Feeling responsible for others' emotions, believing it’s your job to keep everyone happy—even at your own expense.

Example: You agree to help a friend move, even though you’re completely drained, because you don’t want to disappoint them

2. Perfectionism

• Holding yourself to unrealistic standards, believing that mistakes make you unworthy.
• Overworking to prove your value, seeking validation through achievement.
• Feeling like you’re never "good enough" no matter how much you accomplish.

Example: You rework a project endlessly, terrified of criticism, even though it’s already excellent

3. Ignoring Your Own Needs

• Neglecting rest, proper nutrition, self-care, or personal desires because other responsibilities feel more “important.”
• Feeling guilty for taking breaks or prioritizing yourself.

Example: You skip meals or sleep to finish work, believing that taking care of yourself is “selfish” or “unproductive.”

4. Suppressing Your Emotions

• Dismissing or invalidating your feelings, telling yourself you’re “overreacting” or that your emotions don’t matter.
• Minimizing pain to avoid discomfort or judgment from others.

Example: You feel deeply hurt by a friend’s comment but brush it off, telling yourself you’re being “too sensitive.”

5. Over-Accommodating Others

• Constantly sacrificing your time, energy, or priorities to meet the needs of others, even when it negatively impacts you.
• Feeling exhausted from always being the “go-to” person but struggling to ask for help yourself. 

Example: You rearrange your entire schedule for someone else’s last-minute request, even though it disrupts your plans.

6. Self-Criticism & Negative Self-Talk

• Constantly sacrificing your time, energy, or priorities to meet the needs of others, even when it negatively impacts you.
• Feeling exhausted from always being the “go-to” person but struggling to ask for help yourself.

Example: You rearrange your entire schedule for someone else’s last-minute request, even though it disrupts your plans.

7. Ignoring Your Intuition

• Speaking to yourself harshly or with judgment.
• Focusing on flaws instead of strengths, believing you’re never doing enough.

Example: You make a minor mistake at work and immediately call yourself stupid or a failure.

8. Staying in Unhealthy Relationships

• Tolerating toxic, one-sided, or harmful relationships out of fear of being alone or believing you don’t deserve better.

Example: You continue a friendship that drains you because you feel guilty about walking away, even though you no longer feel safe or valued.

9. Overworking & Overachieving

• Tying your worth solely to productivity.
• Avoiding rest because slowing down makes you feel lazy or unimportant.

Example: You work late every night, even though it’s affecting your health, because you believe your value is in what you accomplish.

10. Denying Your Dreams & Desires

• Postponing personal aspirations out of fear of failure or self-doubt.
• Prioritizing others’ goals over your own.

Example: You dream of starting a business but never pursue it because you tell yourself, “Who am I to do that?”

11. Avoiding Boundaries

• Letting people overstep your limits because setting boundaries feels selfish or too uncomfortable.

Example: You allow coworkers to dump extra work on you because saying no feels confrontational.

12. Seeking External Validation

• Relying on others’ approval for self-worth.
• Changing yourself to fit in, feeling anxious when people disapprove of you.

Example: You dress, speak, or act differently around certain people because you fear being judged.

13. Minimizing or Rationalizing Mistreatment

• Making excuses for others’ harmful behavior or convincing yourself you must endure mistreatment to keep relationships intact.

Example: You tell yourself, “They didn’t mean it,” after someone repeatedly disrespects or hurts you.

14. Dismissing Your Identity or Beliefs

• Changing core values, interests, or personality traits to be more acceptable to others.
• Feeling inauthentic but afraid of standing out.

Example: You pretend to agree with someone’s opinion even though it goes against your beliefs, just to avoid confrontation.

The Cost of Self-Abandonment

How to Begin Healing from Self-Abandonment

Each of these behaviors creates a disconnection from your true self, reinforcing patterns of self-neglect that lead to:

• Resentment – Constantly giving without receiving builds frustration and emotional exhaustion.
• Burnout – Overworking, over-accommodating, and ignoring your needs drain your energy.
• Anxiety & Depression – Suppressing emotions and seeking external validation create chronic stress.
• Health Issues – The stress of self-abandonment can manifest as fatigue, digestive issues, autoimmune disorders, and more.
• Loss of Identity – When you prioritize everyone else for too long, you may wake up one day realizing you don’t even know who you are anymore.

How to Begin Healing from Self-Abandonment

Healing involves actively choosing to reconnect with yourself, honor your needs, and build self-trust. Here’s where to start:

• Acknowledge the Patterns – Awareness is the first step. Notice where you dismiss your needs, suppress emotions, or override your intuition.
• Rebuild Self-Trust – Start listening to your inner voice. Small choices—like honoring what you want to eat, how you want to spend your time—help restore trust.
• Set Boundaries Without Guilt – Saying no isn’t rejection; it’s self-respect. Protect your energy.

• Reconnect with Your Emotions – Stop suppressing discomfort. Journal, talk it out, or sit with your feelings instead of numbing them.

• Prioritize Nervous System Regulation – Self-abandonment keeps the body in survival mode. Breathwork, movement, rest, and connection help bring you back to safety.
• Stop Seeking Permission – You don’t need external approval to prioritize yourself. Your needs, desires, and well-being matter.

Coming Back to Yourself

You don’t have to fix yourself—you just have to stop leaving yourself behind.

Healing isn’t about becoming someone new; it’s about returning to who you’ve always been—without fear, without shame, and without needing permission.

So today, take a small step. Choose yourself in one way. Because you are worthy of love!